...of course I have to get there first. I have slightly less time before my dissertation deadline than I thought. I'm seeing Dr Muhs about it tomorrow, and I am certain he's going to be extremely disappointed in me given I am so far behind with it than I am basically sacrificing my grade. I do have reasons, but I remain convinced they are not good enough. April will be a mad rush of work, I feel, especially if he wants me to do the essays I haven't done, which technically are necessary to qualify for the exam. I'd have to rush them, since they don't count, but it would mean less time for my dissertation. I just feel over and over again that I'm in such deep trouble I cannot get out, which makes actually doing the work seem even harder than it should be, despite wanting to do it and get it done...
Seeing someone at the Health Centre about it very soon, see if they can suggest anything. I am so embarassed with myself. I have let myself mess-up so so badly. If I have cost myself a First, then I fully deserve it.
And it's clear things are coming to a head. This is my last week of lectures ever, or at least as an undergraduate. My biggest course, the Berlin course, ended yesterday in a 3-hour coup-de-force after which we went to Crosslands and all had drinks. I was suspiciously sober after two Malibus and cokes and a glass of Pimms, since I hadn't eaten anything for most of the day. We had a fun time, the most memorable part being making fun of a guy dressed as an 19th-century soldier, and asking him questions including 'why?', 'do you have a girlfriend?' and 'do you fancy Richard Sharpe?'. He won, though, since not only did he answer honestly ('yacht club social', 'no' and 'no') but he then got most of us to sign up for the yacht club mailing list with an interest to join. Although he clearly does not fancy Sean Bean.
But more poignantly, this is the end of my degree, or at least the teaching phase. I still remember my first seminar in October 2005. A lifetime ago. No, that's rubbish. Several lifetimes ago. Now all is coming to an end. My dissertation, my exams, and then freedom somewhere around the middle of May. If I didn't feel that I'd screwed-up so badly, I'd be feeling curiously optimistic.
The weather is absolutely divine again, after yesterday's wind and rain. I continue to feel that I am squandering it, although I did go for a nice wander through the woods on Sunday afternoon. The bright sunlight and blossom outside is lovely...although it does remind me that I need to be inside, working. Working hard. I'm in trouble.