It's been getting me extremely stressed. I honestly cannot see how I am going to manage the workload of this term. I could handle things if the dissertation wasn't there, looming over all and demanding that I work on it before it's too late. I could also handle the dissertation on its own. However, I keep getting torn between which things to do, and with continuing emotional crazies, I can't see myself being in top essay form regardless. I have so so much to do and I'm not at all sure I can do it. Everyone else has started writing their dissertations, or have pages of notes, but I am nowhere, or so it feels. It's hard to see anything other than doom in store.
But, for now, it's lesser projects that are being tricky. I did some translation work which needs to be in Wednesday to begin with, and it took me so much longer than I had expected, because I am out of practice. I eventually got round to doing the corrections to my German essay for this morning, but I haven't got much further than that, and I still have to write a gobbet for this afternoon's History seminar. That would be doable, as it lasts only an hour or so, but I am also giving a presentation on The Berlin Wall. And I'm terrified, because it's assessed, and because it's Rudolf, so simply remembering the Wikipedia page, merging it with my own knowledge, and blagging for ten minutes (which I can do quite well) isn't an option. I don't think I'll mess up, but it's a lot of preperation work, and it's so hard to concentrate, especially now it has got so late and I need to be up early to head to Windsor for that appointment.
I have got chocolate and my hair feels great after my bath earlier and I'm feeling otherwise quite relaxed and upbeat, but the worry over the workload, and how little I have done over Reading Week, won't go away. Ironic if things finally slip out of control in the final half of the final term. I don't want them to, and I'm pretty good at slipping out of tight situations, but I am really feeling the strain and just want to scream at my unread books. Doing what I am doing towards the end of your final year at uni is not a good idea in terms of getting things done, even though I actually view it as more important than my degree.
...I'm going to try writing something for myself, an article for something or other, rather than something academic. I'm not sure I can quite focus on doing the gobbet now, despite how late it has got. I'm just going to have to plan the important presentation in the tight gap of three hours between German and History. I have almost no time to stop, so I guess Writers' Circle this evening will be a little intense on me. Yes, I know I should get some sleep, but if I go now, I know I won't get both the gobbet and presentation done in time. Ah, maybe I'll just do that and do the gobbet in the late evening, since I have no chance of reading enough Stille Zeile Sechs for GDR Literature on Tuesday. Blagging it again. I feel like a bad student.
Get the assessed precis out of the way by the weekend, and make sure that blasted everlasting Catholic-Nazi essay is finally out of the blasted way by next Monday. Bury self in sources on Unvollendete Geschichte and get that essay done by the next weekend. Then back to the Holocaust for the next weekend. Somewhere in all this, get a plan for the dissertation. There's another History essay somewhere in that mess, but it can *wait* before I feel utterly crushed.
Realistically, everything is going to be rushed. After this term, I must focus on the dissertation, and then come all the exams. When July rolls around, I will be exhausted. I am ashamed of myself for letting things come to this, but I'm not going to pretend I can cope better than I can. I'll do my best, and hope that, somehow, it will be enough.