Elle (llieno) wrote,

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Coughs and Sneezes Spread Tears

It hurts. It really does hurt.

No, not today's date, my continuing stupid illness. My nose has not stopped running all day. I meant to do more tidying and so on today, but I spent most of the first half in bed, sleeping but not peacefully. My coughing fits are still here, and may even be getting worse (I've had to steady myself on walls and tables during the bad ones, and actually dropped a mug I was holding once too). They come and go in their intensity, owwww...just had one there...but it's beyond annoying, and is now really upsetting, frustrating and painful. Not to mention I'm scared I'll fall over at some point. I'm also sneezing now to go with everything else, and sometimes those hurt too.

I wanted to have a hot bath tonight with some Lush smellies I got for my birthday, but I'm worried I'll just cough and sneeze and ruin it...

I didn't expect this to take so long. I don't get ill often, but when I get colds, I get them badly. I could just about handle this if it wasn't for the persistent cough. I'm now sufficiently concerned (if it were anyone but me, I'd have bundled them off a few days ago) to go see a doctor, but the health centre has closed for the weekend. I don't think it's serious...as far as I know, it's my old overproduction-of-musus-in-the-windpipe come back again after 5 or 6 years. I don't want it back. I don't want this. It's gone beyond a joke now, and I'm getting really upset that I can't do anything right now. I have so much to do, which I need to do, and all I feel I can do is cough and sneeze and blow my nose (it looks like I have a nosebleed, my skin under my nose is so raw...that hurts too). And get dizzy as a result of the above. I don't want to make too much of this, but it's got to the point where I really can't dismiss it.

Although I still tell myself it's only a cough and blame myself for not doing more.

aleas_iacta, who is wonderful and sweet and awesome, can testify to all of this. She offered to come round and take care of me while Holly is off in Sussexland. I agreed, because feeling rotten and lonely isn't good (Internet, I love you, but). I do feel sorry for her, though, since I coughed, sneezed, and possibly infected her too. We spent a long time chatting about lots of things: schooldays, sensitivity, bands we like. I also spent about an hour crying on her lap. Crying about my illness to begin with...I think...I just started weeping after a coughing fit...and ended up crying about lots of different things. Things which I'd talked about before without getting teary turned me into a blubbering knee wreck. I take it back about me not being more emotional in that sense. Actually, this cold/cough has left me emotionally haywire, which is interesting. But yes, I even cried because I was crying. It was...so relieving. Pain of many years finallyfinallyfinally given a voice. I cried over some things I haven't discussed here (yet (possibly)). And then I wiped my tears, wiped my nose, talked a little bit more, and coughed a mug out of my hands. Not to mention spilling the popcorn Lush use instead of polystyrene all down the side of my bed where I can't get it out easily. That made me cry too. It was that sort of evening.

But now I'm not crying, just blowing my noise and wincing at the soreness there. I'm going to head to bed soon (maybe try the bath in the morning) and hope sleep can aid me. On which note, the only thing I remember from last night's dream was falling apart crying at how people have babies, then the babies grow up and have babies themselves (this has nothing to do with that article from The Sun). I'm not sure what to make of that. Unless.

But I'm feeling pretty good. Or would be if this blasted thing went away. I don't want to cough myself worse...

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