January 17th, 2009

Greyscale

Return to Crisis

...well, I messed that up.

I had intended to spend this weekend rushing out an essay for Dr Muhs which apparently should have been in before. On Wednesday, I told him I was about to reach the writing stage and that I'd have it in for Monday. I knew that would give me little time, but...

The title I selected, because it seemed the most interesting to write, is not a good essay title, in that there are almost no materials on it! Support for the Nazis. That's a tough one to begin with, because most books talk about Resistance, and whilst there is a good deal of information out there, it's scattered. That would be managable, and indeed, that's what I had figured I'd be dealing with this weekend, except after sitting between library bookshelves with a small mountain of relevant-looking books, and pages of JSTOR articles, I've found that it's not practical, especially since the essay is meant to have a Berlin focus. I could ask Dr Muhs for help, only it's the weekend...and on Monday, he'll be expecting it in. I can't even blag in this case, because I've not got the sources to support the blagging.

So I'm going to have to pick a different title and start again, but this close to the deadline, I won't get it done in time. I might just have to explain to him my difficulties and get the thing in as soon as possible, hopefully Wednesday, but even if he doesn't penalise me, he won't be happy. He already seemed disappointed last week, when along with the essay, he told me I'm not far enough with my dissertation.

...and I'm not. That's another problem. I know my subject area, but I need to build a question out of it, and that's a little tricky right now. Dr Muhs wanted me to get the essay done so I could focus on the dissertation...and I need to know my question very soon because that's the question deadline.

All the stress is causing me to panic more, and I'm getting to the point where I'll spend an hour aimlessly on Wikipedia because I don't have to confront this. If I had carte blanche, I could hammer a question out of my dissertation, but carte blanche does not include hurried essays, much less aborted ones.

At least I've got everything else academically under control, for the moment. I only hope that with the essay out of the way, and with a few days to watch films, read articles, and come to a question (and my indecisiveness really doesn't help there), things will fit back into place. But right now, I'm scared.