I feel very vulnerable right now.

It's now less than three weeks until I move to Germany for my year abroad. I really don't want to go. Not because I find it scary, although I do, but because it feels so much as if it's just getting in the way of things. I don't have a choice, though, beyond quitting my degree, which would be daft, so I'm off to Cologne in a fortnight. Holly and I will be spending three days (technically four, but we arrive late on Thursday) there before the course at Altenberg starts, largely to give us more time together before a year when times together will be brief and far-between, but also to get us used to Germany again. It took me some time when I went over there a month ago, and I don't want to arrive in Eutin saying things like "Ich habe gefergotten" or "Wo ist der Petrolstation?" (for the record, I can say both those things properly).

We just finished sorting out flights and hostel bookings. Altenberg ought to be sorted too, meaning that the focus shifts to Eutin. I still haven't got somewhere to stay: my contact found an apartment for me in Malente, which sounded perfect, but I then went to Amecon, managing to leave my phone behind, and when I got back, it had disappeared. My brother knew where it was, but wouldn't get it for me, so Mum did when my parents returned back from France on Tuesday. As such, I'm guessing that apartment won't be available any more, and with limited time left to sort things out, I'm rather stressed about it. Still, that beats worrying about the actual job of being a language assistant, which the booklet makes seem very demanding indeed (try and do this, but be aware of that, and when doing this or that, these rules are important to follow, except in exception).

It's not as if I was in a position to tackle all this recently anyhow. Holly came over here for two weeks, one either side of Amecon, and we spent a lot of time together. I actually felt like going out for a change, so we went and watched The Simpsons Movie*, and an interesting and well-rated French film called Private Fears in Public Places, bought several items, including some Neil Gaiman books for me**, a comic about corgis for Holly, and a DS for me***, along with Pokémon Pearl****. We also ate twice at Dim-T, which is now officially our favourite restaurant, offering gorgeous oriental dishes for reasonable prices, and in a beautiful setting, with copious amounts of green tea*****. We also spent a lot of time at home, finishing watching Death Note******, starting watching Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei*******, watching some Lucky Star, and watching the BBC's India & Pakistan******** season.

Eight footnotes aside, when Holly had to go back on Sunday, I really missed her, to the extent that I didn't get up on Monday until mid-afternoon, as I felt that doing most things were not as worthwhile without Holly there to do them with (such as watch anime, go out, even cook food like my chillipasta).

Time is going past so quickly this Summer. Germany looms larger, whilst weeks with Holly, and Amecon, are now in the past once again. My time here now seems so short that I'm worrying instead of actually making best use of it. I honestly feel as if I'm now standing on unstable ground, and only having accommodation sorted can really help me off it. However, with my contact's phone now answering right now, and her only checking e-mail every so often, I can't see that happening today at least.

I feel very vulnerable right now.

( Footnotes )

Okay, I'm sorry. I said I'd update again, but it's much easier doing it from campus. I can type faster on proper keyboards, and my laptop is somewhat struggling (hence, I'll be using the PC next year if I can). I haven't been on campus much, however. On the one hand, I feel somewhat distanced by the transformation that happens to this place in the Summer Term. The buildings fall quiet, and students are glimpsed everywhere in summerwear, which usually dampens my spirits. Everyone seems to be doing everything, and I know I can't even try to keep up with what appears to be the general schedule for all those who haven't headed home as soon as they put their pens down. It's like this for three weeks, and ironically enough, those three weeks introduced me to a great deal of campus life last year (for example, The Orbital).

( Not my Orbital )

Anyhow, it's obviously not just the Campus Factor that has kept me absent for so long. Nay, as many of you may have guessed, it's been the PS2. I get frightfully addicted to games, which is one reason why I only play when I know I've time to spare. ( FFXII and Katamari )

I know where I'm going in Germany. That will have an entry to itself too, because this one is already rolling up like a katamari in the Paramina Rift.

It was the Summer Ball last night. The event on the Campus Calander, whereby hoardes of students decend on the two quads of the Founder's Building at 8pm to spend the night until 6am with various fairground rides, a chocolate fountain, food, drink, music, pretty lights and a concert. The concert guests are never announced until after all tickets have been sold, so it's always a lottery. In this case, it was The Automatic (What's that coming over the hill? Is it a katamari?) and the Vengaboys. Not as bad as last year then (Rachel Stevens, and she mimed). So, yes. I went for a meal in Egham with Holly (pizza, pasta, and salad), and the walk there was by hundreds of students en route to the ball. A few girls in dresses, but it seemed largely the tuxedoed boys making the walk up the hill. I must admit, it made me really feel as if I've been missing out. There are anti-balls held, of course, but they're about as exclusive as the original, whose tickets sell out every year. Ironically, when the queue for the tickets began at 5am one morning, I was right nextdoor working on one of my essays, so I could have picked up a pair and joined in the frivolities.

On the point of meals, we've been eating out a fair bit lately. ( Reading Restaurant )

As for the Ball, on the way back, Holly pointed out a hedgehog to me. I have a very soft spot for the hogs o' the hedge, and immediately fawned over the poor thing. I took a lot of photos, because it's not often I meet a hedgehog like that, and the hedgehog stopped for them. I thought I'd terrified the poor creature, but he didn't roll up into a ball, and even let me touch him (gently). Afterwards, he trotted off back into the cemetery where he ought to be safe from the roads round here. I do like hedgehogs, and as Holly noted, it somewhat made my evening.

Well, I havne't exactly been all that campusly social recently. Everyone was freed up by the end of exams, and events have been raining down like a Bank Holiday Monday's weather, but I've been either spending time with Holly, or the PS2. Oh yes, not very social. Ah well...the sad fact is that my third year friends are largely disappearing in a week's time, and quite a few of my second-year friends will be essentially doing the same, given that I'll be spending next year in Eutin rather than Egham. It could have been a chance to say goodbye, but following that logic, I'd be going every year to say goodbye to whatever bunch were graduating then. I plan on going to the Ball, oh yes, but not until my final year. It makes sense, even though I'm not aware of anyone else doing it (aside from Holly). Tickets are quite expensive, anyhow.

Tonight's Doctor Who was fantastic, was it not? ( The Angels have the Phone Box )

It's really raining outside. Moreso than it has been for a fair while, and the weather this week has been too warm for my liking, so it's a welcome shift, especially since I'm indoors, at Hazel House, without anyone else around, but with various teas and coffees, the Internet, pasta and peas, and the new PS2 we got yesterday to replace the one that broke in August last year (We figured we'd wait until exams were over).

I've not updated for ages. I'd blame exams, except they're only half the story. I've had other distractions. Nevertheless, I haven't abandoned this, for all it may seem, and I still have so much to tell you. However, to keep you from skim-reading within seconds, I'll split it all up into several entries over several days. I have the time to do so, now.

Holly had to work in Reading yesterday, so I decided to tag along and make a trip of it. Holly left at 7am, whilst I left in the early afternoon: getting up in the mornings is a real problem for me in this post-exam period. Anyhow, I made my way down to the station, but just missed the train, so I had to wait half an hour, which I spent getting some ginger beer from Tesco's and scoffing at the two young (14 years old at most) chavs who were cycling all over the pavement, and shouting at each other in that Estuary English accent about how 'they was chased in Staines earlier'. By the police or another chav-gang, I couldn't tell. However, I had to deal with more chavs on the train to Reading, which was otherwise a peaceful 50 minute journey through heathland, forest, and Wokingham. Oh, I do wish that the stereotypes on chavs and chavettes weren't true, but after overhearing several of the girls' conversations, I can't help but accept them.

Enough about chavs, even though Reading seemed to absolutely full of them (is it owing to the Bank Holiday weekend?). It took me almost an hour to find Holly, after wandering around what seemed like most of Reading's city centre. She had to work until the store closed, however, so I went a-wandering, and spent a large amount of time in Whittards (of Chelsea), the tea & coffee merchant, who were having a 2/3 off sale. Me being me, I smelt the various blends they had on offer, and bought some (although only one tea blend, the others were flavoured coffees and dark chocolate for Holly and me).

Yes, I was in a city centre offering things I'd not seen for some time (bear in mind that Egham is small, and even local Staines can't compare with Reading...I've lost my familiarity with cities), but what do I go for first? Tea. Yes, how British. On which note, did you notice I started this entry by talking about the weather? I feel like saying something like 'God save the Queen' now, but to be honest, I don't see why she needs saving any more than the rest of us. Anyhow, I feel like now imparting quite what tea means to me, by detailing my tea collection. Bear in mind that I don't like pure green tea.

( Everything stops for Tea )

Now, however, I feel more like a coffee, after my grapefruit juice. The new icon (animated again, I'm afraid) explains things.

I also bought a PS2, under a bit of pressure regarding them closing up as I walked to the counter. Well, we still have various PS2 games, some of them as-yet-unplayed, and I still haven't tried Kingdom Hearts II (I know, I know) or FFXII yet (although the latter came with the PS2). I'll set up the PS2 later today, and waste away my hours in a way that I can only do in the Summer. I do, however, have a few other tasks today (such as writing several articles for the Orbital, although I'm not on their team anymore, and doing some tidying with my room).

After a coffee break where we told each other about our days, and I failed to get through to Home to tape Doctor Who for us, we went and had a meal. Reading Riverside is full of various culinary options, from a McDonalds, through Wagamamas, Nandos, Pizza Express, and up to burger bars, grillhouses, and a Cajun/Creole jazz restuarant. In the end, it was between the jazz place and the grillhouse, and we opted for the latter, based largely on the decor (mood lighting makes me so very happy). I should have ordered a different meal, though, for whilst the mixed grill was super!tasty, it was the first real-meaty meal I've had in a long time, and it filled me up very quickly (I had to leave at least a fifth), and left my digestive system struggling. I don't eat much meat anymore, and it shows. Not quite vegetarian yet, though (I still like my ham and peppered salami). It was still a fantastic meal, with the best company, and the alcoholic coffees we had afterwards did their job (perking you up whilst calming you down) well. The walk through rainy streets full of loud teenagers and clubbers (I fail to understand that scene) wasn't pleasant, but it didn't ruin what had been a fantastic evening.

All righty then, I'll stop there for now. I may indeed have bored you already. I think I'll elaborate on yesterday a little more a little later, and, of course, I've got my various exams to report on. It's not so much that I want to relive that period, as that I want to have a record of it, so I can look back on it years and come and remember what I did. Livejournals are useful in that respect.

Well, you people certainly update a lot around Christmas. I spent a good few hours catching up on comments, although to be fair, I did fall asleep last night waiting for silence, so I didn't get any done then. Part of the reason why I've spent so much time on it tonight, and, indeed, why I'm still up, is that we're off to Germany in a few hours and won't be back until New Years Eve, so it's relatively unlikely I'll get more than a few words online between about 10am today and 2007.

( Christmas Day )

( Boxing Day )

( Nottingham Network )

Oh goodness, look at the time. I fear I may not get my review of the year done before we leave, which will be a shame, because reviewing 2006 in the opening hours of 2007 feels so hollow to me, but I won't have internet in Germany. We're going to my Great Aunt's in Stendal, and she doesn't even have a computer. I won't either, however, owing to the pointlessly stringent security measures still operating on flying, and with Ryanair moreso than BA. I'm going to be taking a notebook and pen instead, although I can't write anything like as in depth as I type, simply because it takes me much longer, and my thoughts run ahead of the ink. For the same reason, doing any academic work for the three days we'll be over there is not an option. Ah well. I'm only really disappointed that my 2006 Review will be delayed...and don't underestimate how important I hold New Year. I take my time seriously.

Okay then, whatever happens, I won't be in contact until late on New Year's Eve, so enjoy yourselves for the rest of 2006!

Well, that will go down as one of the greatest days of this year.

I've got masses to update on, and as you'll see in a post I've half-written up from Thursday, I have had good reason for the hiatus. The latter half of November has been perhaps the most intensive time I've ever gone through in terms of work-loads and deadlines, with only certain periods of Sixth Form as competition, and even then, if I was a little late, it didn't matter too much...I don't get that option this time. Last week, I completed a 1800-word essay on liberalist nationalism in Germany 1806-1871...in German. I also had to do two presentations for my history courses, both of which ended up fairly rushed, but well-fought. I have two essays due in on Thursday, and I've started neither of them properly yet, although I know the rough backgrounds of both...and there's no way I could have done a fabulous job on both, as I had with my 1850s Japan essay, which I got back with a 1st and the comment 'there is nothing I disagree with in this essay'.

( Friday: The Crash-out Day )

After all that, it was greedy of me to have another 'day off', but, well...this one I'd been waiting for a long long time. Until it actually began, I had a fluttering feeling in my stomach, a giddy expectation, of this, of Video Games Live, the holders of the first video game music concert to be held here in the UK. When one of you so kindly notified me of it, I knew I must go...for, I am a video game music fan, and I'm close to London, and I've been wanting to go somewhere for a while. It turned out that zeibura_kathau was going already, and we were to meet up sometime.

( Part 1: Englefield Green - Twickenham )

( Part 2: The Christmas Market of Kingston )

( Part 3: Kingston - Hammersmith )

( Part 4: Before the Concert )

( Part 5: Video Games Live )

( Part 6: Meet the Composers )

( Part 7: Back Home )

It rains outside. I can't see it, for the half-light from my bedside lamp is enough to paint the garden view into dark obscurity, but the gentle tapping of raindrops is enough, and it is soothing. It doesn't clash too much with the music I am listening to, the Fisherman's Horizon theme from Final Fantasy VIII. It's peaceful, and whilst far from perfect, I can find cause to relax, something so rare these days. Not quite yet, though, for I am approaching the end of a mammoth task, and quests demand completion.

1 hour later...okay, that'll do...I've just finished commenting to entries made since I left for Amecon. That took a while, and whilst I know that there is no need to devote so much time and effort into adding a few words to many long and interesting entries, I cannot help but do so. There's a reason my comment stats read Posted: 25,273 - Received: 14,754. I'm glad to have got it done though...it's been hanging over me for the past few days since Amecon, and I've done very little about it.

There is ( a reason for this, however )

So, a long LJ session has helped ease the angst a great deal, even if I have been sitting here for a long time now, with disc 3 of the FFVIII soundtrack on loop. I did stop for a dinner with Holly, which was healthy and lovely, however. I'm not going to type up my Amecon report yet either, because it'll take another few hours, and I still need sleep, even if I spent much of yesterday doing just that.

The Final Fantasy soundtrack is one of many things I bought at the con. Another is the FMA wallscroll brightening the wall next to me, and another was the bundle of posters that was knocked away from me somewhere on the London Underground and never reached home with me. Alas. The Final Fantasy soundtrack is causing a great deal of ( nostalgia on its own, however )

I remember the days of playing VII and VIII, and equally the associated discussions. I remember conversations on MSN with Bethany (Anime Angel) over FFVIII's soundtrack and what it inspires, and I remember sitting and staring at the title screen to VII and crying at what it was. I wonder if XII will be the same. Somehow, I doubt it...but I still long to remain a child of wonder. This is why I hear the rain drum against night-laden window panes along to a romantic, whispering refrain from six years in my past, and I dare to dream again, if only for a short while. I don't ever want to lose the chance to do so.

It's just difficult to put into words.

Hello to everyone I've friended since Amecon, by the way. It's a pleasure to know you!

We have internet. However, according to cosmicflame, the router isn't doing its job, and as such, the internet is not going anywhere beyond Brian's laptop. A shame, as I need quite a catchup, and was hoping to do this tonight, but instead I'm back in the CC again.

Let's deal with a few matters whilst I have the chance, then. Foremost amongst these is ( Amecon )

In house terms, we've been the busiest we have for weeks. Both Amy and Brian were there, making a total of four housemates present. Brian arrived yesterday to fix up the internet, and Amy is sporadically working with Mencap in the local area, and turns up whenever she has a job. Sometimes, this can take us by surprise, such as when she turns up with five-minutes warning, or, as was on Saturday, no warning at all. However, with Brian catering for himself and Amy often out, Holly and I are still running meals for ourselves. Now that we have an oven (of sorts!), we can actually make decent meals, of which we attempt three a day. I hope we can keep this up until everyone returns in September, as it feels almost odd to be a student and eating healthily. As an example, we had chicken pie, potato pieces and peas (or sweetcorn in Holly's case) for our lunch this afternoon. We did have pizza last night, though, and I'm now addicted to flavoured ricecakes...

Now follows a number of mini-updates, if you will. For the sake of skim-readers, I'd put them in individual entries, but then I'd blitz your friends page, so I'll put them all here and you can read at leisure. Each paragraph is a new theme, introduced by the LJ-cut...

* ( My Grandparents, and Artefacts of Family Heritage )

* ( Williamson is No More...Alas? )

* ( Phantom Brave: My Only Nippon Ichi Game )

* ( Livin' next to Hogwarts Lake and The Forest Moon of Endor )

* ( Rest in Peace? The Council, the Houses and the Cemetery )

* That's all for now! ^-^

I'm updating from the Computer Centre at Royal Holloway. Gracious, but it's odd to be back here again, especially given the plce feels deserted compared to its student days. It's also quite hot at the moment, so that all campus is slowly baking under a blue sky. That and certain aspects of the local landscape give me the impression I'm in warm Europe. I'm reminded of Provence and the lakes of Bohemia. It's divine, although well above the optimal for me...then again, rural places shine in such an azure glow.

Travelling down on Saturday, for example. In the car, laden with my possessions, we passed across Middle England again, basking in the heat and occassionally resembling scenes from fictional rural idylls. The flat fields made a great setting for motorway travel, but it was the hills of North Leicestershire and the Chilterns which really reached out to me and whispered of countryside living. My mind conjured up scenes of large, remote houses, where there was little need to imprint personality onto a room, as they already had them. The radio danced with excited reports at the Rhythms of the World festival in Hitchin, and whilst I began to wish I were there, it was a pleasant journey. Travel always picks me up and paints silvery stars in my beckoning eyes. See the world, on the move, under the eternal blue and towards the untold horizon...yes.

( Rurality and the Summer Dreams of the Heathland )

The house itself is warming on me. My room actually feels more like my room now, even though I've added barely anything but my elegant bedside lamp. The windows to the garden mean that the sun hits me early in the day, and that the room is very warm by around 10 or 11. I basked in the heat this morning, having a lazy lie-in simply because I've been getting up early these past few days...it's just Holly, Brian and me there at the moment, so it's usually pretty quiet anyhow. Here's a quick run-down of things at the moment:

* The PS2 I brought with me has stopped reading discs again, which is annoying, as I'd just started playing Phantom Brave, and was trying to intoduce Holly & Brian to Worms. The CD drive Sony put in there is rubbish, and now I'm left with a stack of unplayed PS2 games and a PS2 that only seems to load screens half of the time, making playing any game a risk. I might buy a new (second hand) one, because I fixed the PS2 before, and it's back to being a useless black box...

* The oven is broken, and we won't be getting a replacement for a while. As such, food is generally whatever we can get. I made pasta yesterday, but without much to have with it, I soon felt blanded out, and later even felt slightly ill. Yet...I cannot live on toast and cereal...but at least the hob is operational.

* No internet for a while, hence me being here and missing the chance to go to Tescos through writing this oversized update. We'll have it eventually, but for now, life is free of google. In some respects, its refreshing, like going on a retreat. I have suddenly found myself with a lot of time on my hands, however.

* The local area is pleasant enough to walk through, although we do seem to have a family of street children at the end of the road. The pavement is an extension of their house, and there nearly always are a few members of the family outside on it. They almost rival the local cat population, seemingly dominated by two cats, one white, the other white-and-black, and the two don't get on. The ginger around the corner is very friendly, however.

* It's not as bad it may seem. It's just easier to write about what's slightly off than what is going as normal, because, well, it's normal. I could write about how the lights work fine, or how the toaster makes nice toast, but I'd then be here all day...

And finally...the ( Answers to the 100 Lyrics Quiz )

Although, I wasn't overjoyed with a few people who never normally comment on my entries pouncing upon that entry and then replying to other posts about the same entry. Don't love me for my lyrics, people (and that only applies to a few. If you tried the quiz, that doesn't automatically make you applicable to the above statement!)

'Til next time...

I've been writing an update in word as the internet has been so bitty here lately, but I'll do an update now whilst it is still behaving itself.

I just opened my letters. My credit balance, my tickets for Monday and Tuesday, and...well, a pleasant surprise. It certainly throws Tuesday's update upside down, anyhow.

( From Royal Holloway, School of Modern Languages )

My first reaction was vaguely '...what?!' and then closely followed by 'yay!'. Mayhaps I'm doing the right thing afterall! Clearly the language was not bad enough to drag down my marks for literature and history. Hurrah! I can put this on my CV too now :)

Furthermore, I shall be in the audience for Any Questions? tonight. The BBC Radio 4 political panelist show is being recorded from my old school hall tonight as part of Dr. Edward's grand plans for the school's 75th anniversary, and Dad got tickets for us. I may get to ask a question, but having seen Question Time last night, I know pretty much what will be discussed. The London Bombings, for example, which I heard about roughly this time last year from a converted barn in remote Norfolk.

I'm semi-slipping into a romantic phase again, I think. Maybe it's been there all along, but I've not felt enough at ease as to act upon it. Watching a Tudor wedding on TV with all the lovely renaissance costumes, and then reading a romantic story based on first century Rome...there's much that can be said for historical romanticism. Sometimes I wish I had a mirror to the past, to see the people of 6AD and how they lived. Celts and Romans were more than Celts and Romans, they were people too. I won't be coming close to studying that area at uni next year, but it's still fascinating in a way that studying lives of people in the 1950s isn't...

I'll leave you with an inspired statement from the blacksmith in Shining Force II, which I completed a few days ago.

( You don't say )

Okay, so I've really been neglecting LJ. I'm afraid I get addicted to games all to readily, and it will be at least another day until I free myself from Shining Force II. I've got around three updates on hold because of that too, but this one couldn't really wait.

( Uni Results for First Year, and my thoughts on them )

For those who don't want to read the details, I present the following summary. Literature = Win. Historiography = Tried too hard, but good. Could have done without losing 10% from my late essay. History = Major Win. German Language = Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

I'm tired now, and need to get some sleep so I can repeat my current cycle of doing precious little actually do something productive this afternoon. Here's hoping.

I don't know why I bother watching football. I get far too emotional about it, and I always end up feeling bitter. I ought to have learnt from four years ago. I really am daft, and gone and ruined Doctor Who for me now...

Oh well, back to Shining Force 2, and I'll try to pretend I was more sensible than I was.

The music from the Ecco Tides of Time Mega CD game is perhaps one of the most dreamy ambient soundtracks I've ever heard. The soundtrack for Crusader of Centry, which I knew as 'Soliel', is very different, and, like the game, underappreciated. I still regularly sing the tune for Rafflesia to myself, despite the last time I played the game being six or more years ago (the game, incidentally, was easy, but very beautiful, especially in how it treated the monsters and critiqued the whole 'rampant killing' of regular RPGs). I do like my 16-bit RPG soundtracks...and the Fortune Teller's theme from Terranigma reminds me of the following:

I'm fictionalising again. Thinking of things to write about, whilst not writing about them. As I spent much of the middle part of the day in bed, I thought again about Deepglow. A place I know, but I have little idea where from. It seems Russian, or at least Slavic, but doesn't appear to conform to the real world. I think of a tight room dressed in deep crimson, lit by flickering flames and with glimmers of precious metals in the comforting warmth of the darkness against the bitter white cold outside. A road with buildings either side and a small shop window. It would be nice to write about the place, and try and expand on the feelings I get from it: I doubt it is, or ever has been, a real place, but its foundations are laid into my mind. It's isolated, traditional, with a culture somewhere between European, East Asian and Persian. If only I had a way of moving Deepglow, and the other places in my mind, into some reality, it would be beautiful to visit. I wish I could create worlds.

The Absolute Harmony concert yesterday got me thinking. I'd have loved to have taken part in the concert and sung along, and I don't exactly have a bad singing voice. I was part of Singers at school, and enjoyed it. I truly hold music dear to my heart, and as Holly has said, 'my eyes light up' when discussing, listening to or sharing music. Without music, I grow increasingly groutchier, but with it, the world seems a more magical place. I remember a lot of tunes, and like music from a wide range of genres. I sometimes wish I were able to project music as well as just appreciating it, and this is where singing comes in. The problem lies with my voice, however, as my natural voice is baritone, which conflicts somewhat with how I'd rather sing. Stupid gender! Yes, I can be trained, but by whom, where and when? Furthermore, if I were to join the a capella singers now, I'd be put with the bass section, who tend to sing boring parts when I'd much rather be singing something more melodic. Oh well...maybe someday. For the meantime, I'll work at putting together a video game music medely for the group to sing...