Current mood:	relaxed
Current music:	Blümchen - Gibt mir noch Zeit

I never actually posted this...
Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

The internet is currently being so bitty as to be unusable, so I’ll write this update in Word and transfer it at a later date. (which happened, as you can see)

I figured out part of the reason I was feeling like a dirt track on a wet day. Music! Being apart from a majority of my music collection meant I spent most of my time at this computer in either oppressive silence or with the noise of the rest of the family. The silence is an odd one, as I normally appreciate it, but it all depends on my internal state at the time, and I’ve been falling apart recently. Part of the problem is getting myself motivated to do anything whilst here at home, so that I neglect an increasing list of things which must be done.

Last night was a good example of my recent falling apart. Mum had been telling me all day to apply for a job at the Showcase cinemas, and my response that getting any job in Nottingham was impractical and unlikely considering how I’ll be back in Egham soon enough falling on deaf ears. Thus I was meant to go there before NAMSoc (I missed that whilst at Rhûl), and my parents offered me a lift, but I wanted to look for my iRiver first so I could listen to it on the way back. They drove off, and after not finding the thing in the next twenty minutes, was about to leave, when I checked LJ to see friends within 100 miles talking about thunderstorms. I figured I didn’t want to be caught in the rain, so I went to look for an umbrella. Not finding mine, I eventually left for NAMSoc an hour after I’d meant to, to perfectly clear skies. On the way there, someone shouted something stupid at me from a passing car, and my phone batteries ran out whilst talking to Holly.

Anime was a relief, at least, even though I had missed over half of it by then. Anwar took me to the Showcase afterwards, but they looked closed, and truth be, I didn’t want to apply there again anyway after trying last year. So we joined the others at the pub, a place I’m never particularly comfortable, and that night was hell. They were showing the Germany-Italy game, and I only arrived for the closing ten minutes. Yes. Being an English pub, everyone seemed anti-German, and when people started cheering wildly when Germany lost (which I think was more important to them than who won), I just felt I had to leave. I was given a lift home, where I went online to talk to people about the bad evening, and then can’t find my debit card to book train tickets for moving in next week…

Well, to cut this story short, my debit card was in the cane sugar, my umbrella was stuffed under the sofa mattress and my iRiver was at the bottom of a box of church things. Go figure, but that’s what this house is like…

It’s too hot at the moment. I don’t cope well with heat. I don’t necessarily feel it, but I feel the side-effects. My appetite goes haywire, often leaving me unable to eat much dinner, but then getting hungry in the early hours. I can’t sleep at night, so I usually end up either passing out or sleeping in the dawn light. I also need to drink a lot, and even the large bottles of flavoured water and energy drinks I buy from the local supermarket can’t seem to keep up. The heat might also be another factor in my general laziness as of late. I need to get back into a mindstate where I’ll happily make my own meals, keep a schedule and produce things rather than simply sleeping until mid-afternoon, and then vaguely doing things until the evening. The family doesn’t help of course…it’s hard to act when your mother is spending hours on the phone in the same room as you.

Not to say I don’t appreciate the weather. Like last year, by 5AM the sky is a beautiful palette of soft pink and blues, whilst peachy clouds seem to glow in the dawnlight. Some nights can be the fabulous dreams of Midsummer lore, with a spark that whispers seductively and playfully of starlight and passion. Days, on the other hand, depend on the circumstances. From my home windows, they seem static and contented in their hazy heat, yet on Sunday, travelling to Lincolnshire for a barbeque, Summer came giggling into the world like a carefree dancer. Dad sped along the A46, a straight road as it runs along the Roman Fosse Way, past farmland lying back amongst low hillocks in a way that made me think of the Shire. The air con was broken, so we had the windows wide open, and the wind blew my hair everywhere. It was lovely. I briefly envisioned travelling in an open-topped car, with my hair cascading even further along the summer highways. With the clear sky, relatively flat countryside, and narrow road, it almost felt as if we were about to meet the coast, and despite knowing it was still distant, part of me longed to turn and see the sea stretching to its windswept horizon. I long to see the sea again. The barbeque was okay: the summer manifested its crueller side to me, and I spent most of the time indoors as I felt the onset of both minor sunstroke and heat rash. That is the reason I can’t stand warmer climates for long. Yet Summer…

In cities, the summer sunsets shimmer off skyscraper mirrors and cascade into a prism of firey light that silently plays a slow jazz song on the saxophone of the urban twilight. These evenings demand to be taken slowly, with a dream played out on piano keys and reflected through the sides of a glass holding your favourite drink of July. Outside, the moon gazes curiously through the vermillion haze. Summer comes in many hues.

There were whispers that a storm was coming. I waited in anticipation, as the family retired to their beds and remained in a darkened room, waiting, just waiting for the first flash, the first rumble. The silent darkness. Yet the storm never came. I miss it. I left the house at around 2am to make sure there was no storm, and it was colder and clearer, but I then heard a bell. Walking to the end of the driveway in my socks, I chanced upon a cat, glancing up at me. Startled, it didn’t notice its mouse run out of its arms and scamper under our large car. The cat realised pretty quickly, however, and sped after it. I watched this cat and mouse game for a while, before seeing the small furry shadow speed up the road whilst the cat was looking the other way. This time, it took a while to notice, and then seemed a little confused, getting ready to pounce out from under the car long after the mouse had gone. Giving up, it then went up the road, albeit it in the same direction as the mouse. It was great fun to watch.

Apologies over how the update suddenly stopped. Things happened, and I never got round to finishing it, hence the time delay...